Do you ever get the feeling that you’re on edge? You just know that if someone says something to you, you’re going to blow up?
So, like many others, I’ve been dealing with this issue for a long time. Until now, I’ve been engaging in calming practices like meditation or simply avoiding the problem. However, these coping strategies aren’t an appropriate way to deal with situations that involve your self-worth, physical and mental health and boundaries.
It was only brought to my attention while I was speaking with my mentor about the family coaching I’m doing. I forgot to attach a document that I needed to send before the meeting with my supervisor, and she was furious that I wasn’t following the rules. On the other hand, I was upset because she was very harsh with me and didn’t understand that I was simply not emotionally available. Then it hit me: I’m not taking a break because I’m too afraid to say NO, and I want to finish mission after mission, task after task, because I don’t want people to think I’m not serious! but instead, I’m making mistakes.
I should be professional, and as a singer, I understand how important it is that “the show must go on.” It is true that if you are committed to performing as a singer, no matter how you feel, you will go on stage and everything will be fine because it is not about you!
Should you, on the other hand, be the same when you work in another job? How many times have I gone to a concert with a fever or a sore throat (naturally before Covid) or simply gone even though I didn’t feel like it?
Covid has now set the limit that you must stay at home if you are sick. But what if you’re emotionally unavailable or simply don’t have enough time to complete all of the tasks that people expect you to complete? Where does the line get drawn? Where do you draw the line? How do you value yourself?
In this post, I’ll share my thoughts on the subject in the hope that it will help those who, like me, struggle to set limits.
Identify your emotions
As previously noted, I’ve felt that I’m on the edge of something for some time. That I have less patience. When I was working as the CEO of a charity, I realised I was doing too much and taking on too much on myself, and I didn’t set limits for myself. not to mention that I was basically volunteering… Because I didn’t make enough money, I took on two more jobs. Then I realised I’m upset and frustrated, and that I was not respecting my time or myself!
It was fine when I founded the charity because I thought it was a great cause and all I wanted to do was give and give. However, I was stressed and felt worthless because I couldn’t provide enough lifestyle or attention to my daughters.
I realised I had to make a change, and this change was to delegate my “own baby” project to the rest of the team. I felt pleased and happy because I left it in good condition, and even happier and relieved because I was not afraid and respected my time, myself, and my girls.
How much time should I give?
I can assure you that I am still learning…. I keep an inspirational weekly planner and have “General assignments” related to the house and work. I try to stick to it, but when you’re self-employed/contractor in the “Covid era,” you get easily distracted, don’t you think? Let me just get something organised in the house, wash the dishes, do the laundry, and…. Seriously, would you do this in the office? We only have so many hours in the day to get everything done. Delaying our tasks will not improve the situation; it will only make us more frustrated. So, how much time do we really require? Well, each of you is familiar with your routine, which includes dropping off and picking up children from school, after-school activities, daily jobs, shopping, time with the children, dinner, and sleep!!! Did I mention extended family, friends, my partner, and me time?
I start my day at 6:30 a.m., sometimes with meditation, sometimes with a walk or Pilates. Then I drop them off at school, or if I start early, they go by themselves. The challenge now is that I work in the mornings until, say, 10 a.m., and then I need to get to other tasks, but the coffee shop is calling!! So, if it’s critical, I’ll either bring my computer and work there or meet a friend for a quick coffee. Now I’m making absolutely sure my friend understands that I can only meet at certain times. Rather than “cutting” my daily tasks, I will meet a friend for an hour or so before picking up my children from school or early in the morning. Friday and Saturday evenings are free for family and socialising. On Saturdays, you won’t find me working on my computer because it’s important for me to relax and rest.
I realised that my time should be divided between so many things and so many tasks and people that I had to write it all down in a planner and also limit my time for each task and even for my girls. They know that at 8:30 p.m., mum is having her own time and needs her space. I have a full schedule from 6:30 a.m. to 8:30 p.m., which includes work, sports, lunch, meditation, and time with my family. Working in chunks of time and focusing solely on one task at a time has proven to be far more efficient than doing several things at once. even though I am a woman and can do multiple things at once:)
I occasionally get it right, but my challenge is to ignore sms/emails/calls from work that arrive after hours and stick to the schedule, as well as not work overtime without being paid and developing my business and dreams. Everyone wants your time, but you need it the most; set boundaries and respect yourself!
So now what??
Like the rest of my posts, the “doing” factor is essential. I suggest to plan as much as you can, and don’t keep all that you need to do in your head. The plan will allow you to set boundaries and to see more clearly how much time do you really have and which task you are going to do when. you will set your priorities. Make sure that you have your “me” time as it’s extremely important for your mental health.
What can prevent me from putting limits in place?
The million-dollar question. Did you know that the majority of successful managers are those who set boundaries for their time? It is very easy to become distracted, especially with today’s technology. A message, just hit our what’s up/messenger, or let me make something to eat? Oh no, I didn’t call my friend, and she’ll be upset, and then the phone rings; should I pick it up? I don’t recognise the caller…wait, where was I? What should I do? You’re familiar with the ritual…Then a notification on Insta/ Facebook arrives!
I have to do it right away or else…. What would happen? Are you familiar with this?
While deciding what to do, keep in mind that everything has a consequence… if you don’t do what you planned to do at a certain time, you’ll have to finish it later, and in the meantime, you might be frustrated that you didn’t do it right away.
Having said that, there are times when you just can’t do things because your child is sick, you are sick, or you simply don’t have the headspace.
You are the only one who knows whether you can or cannot complete a task on time and whether you are simply postponing it because it is the easiest thing to do. or you simply did not set your own time boundaries.
To summarise
In this post, I’ve explored how to recognise when you’ve exceeded your limits and the emotions that come with it and why it’s okay to say no when it has nothing to do with your professionalism. How do you respect yourself, and how do you want others to respect you? I gave examples of my daily schedule and my thoughts on how many different tasks we have in a day and how many people are involved in our daily routine who also want our attention and are aware that we need our own time to maintain our sanity. Working on one task at a time was also found to be much more efficient. While
we would like to begin prioritising our tasks, there are many factors that can prevent us from doing so, such as social media or other disruptions that occur, particularly if you work from home or are self-employed. However, there are times when you cannot avoid certain circumstances that prevent you from doing so, such as having a sick child.
Having said that, you are the only one who knows when you are truly unable to follow through on a plan or when it is simply too easy to postpone it.
