Expectations from others?
Expectations—such a small word for something that plays such a big role in our lives. I’ve often come across this topic in my conversations with clients. Many express how much they wish people would be more attentive, and how they hope friends will invite them out or check in on them when they’re feeling down. This quiet longing to be seen and cared for is something I recognize, especially during the holidays when gatherings and celebrations seem to magnify any feelings of loneliness.
I understand this feeling deeply. With my family overseas, I’ve experienced that particular kind of loneliness that can sneak up during these moments. Sometimes, as holidays approach, a familiar question arises in my mind: “Will anyone invite me? Will someone call me, or am I just waiting by the phone?” And then, just as quickly, I realize that I can be the one to reach out, to call first, or to extend an invitation. I don’t have to wait for others to shape my happiness. By taking that first step, I can create the connection I’m hoping for, and sometimes, initiating makes the gathering or conversation even more meaningful.
How Big Should Our Expectations Be? Are There Limits?
But how big should expectations really be? Is it fair to expect friends to remember birthdays? To hope our loved ones will know when we’re feeling down without us saying so? Or, if I’m struggling, is it too much to expect my children or friends to lend a hand or listen? These questions pull me into a space of uncertainty. We all carry protective mechanisms, instincts we use to shield ourselves from potential disappointment or hurt. Sometimes it feels easier to hide what I need than to ask for it. But then, I wonder—wouldn’t it be kinder to give those I care about the chance to meet my needs?
Talking About Expectations
There’s so much power in simply talking about our expectations. When we’re clear about what we need or hope for, it’s easier for the people around us to respond in ways that feel right. This conversation about expectations can be a gentle, ongoing one that we revisit over time. In any meaningful relationship—whether with friends, family, colleagues, or even ourselves—taking a moment to talk openly about what we’re looking for sets a healthy foundation. It helps avoid misunderstandings and resentment that can build up if expectations go unspoken or unmet.
And sometimes, it’s good to circle back. Our needs and circumstances change, and so do those of the people we care about. Rechecking these expectations every now and then reminds us of the dynamic, growing nature of relationships. This openness allows us to maintain connections that feel supportive, without leaving room for unspoken disappointments to drift between us.
Expectations of Ourselves
Often, the most challenging expectations are the ones we place on ourselves. We might set impossibly high standards, expecting ourselves to be endlessly patient, perfectly resilient, or always able to handle whatever life throws our way. These self-expectations can be both motivating and overwhelming, especially when we fall short. When we expect perfection, we risk feeling discouraged or inadequate. But what if we treated ourselves with the same understanding and flexibility we strive to offer others?
Learning to set realistic, compassionate expectations for ourselves can transform how we navigate life. It might mean allowing ourselves to rest when we’re tired, acknowledging when we need help, or accepting that it’s okay to have limits. When we give ourselves room to be human, we discover a gentler way to grow, one that respects our well-being as much as our goals.
The Wisdom of The Four Agreements
One of the most grounding guides I’ve found for managing expectations comes from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. This timeless wisdom reminds us to be impeccable with our word, meaning we can be open and honest about what we need without making assumptions about what others should know or do. When we embrace not taking anything personally and not making assumptions, we’re less likely to hold on to disappointment if our expectations go unmet. These principles encourage us to communicate openly and avoid letting silent expectations build up into unnecessary hurt.
Finally, always doing our best reminds us to approach our own self-expectations with kindness. It teaches us that “doing our best” changes from day to day, moment to moment. Some days, doing our best might mean accomplishing many things; other days, it might simply mean getting through with a compassionate heart. This agreement reminds us to embrace our efforts without judgment, knowing we’re growing steadily even if the path is imperfect.
So, who doesn’t have expectations? 
Perhaps we all do—it’s human to hope for connection, support, and understanding. The trick is to keep our expectations flexible, to invite the people we care about into our world without demanding their presence. This shift allows us to welcome whatever comes and embrace the freedom of creating connections on our own terms. The beauty of managing our expectations, both of ourselves and others, is that it brings peace and a sense of empowerment, and ultimately, we create the fulfilling relationships we desire.